To the editor:
I was not put on this earth to pick up trash. I was not put on the face of this planet to see my name, or the name of my family, or my name associated with some group, emblazoned on a sign that says I or we have adopted a highway.
I have this theory that the more trash benevolent souls pick up the more trash slobs put there. I am not about to become an enabler.
I do, however, pick up soda cans and bottles and other rubbish during my daily constitutional through the streets of Millerstown. I do this not because it makes me feel good, but because the borough is not that expansive and I can't stand the sight of the same garbage two walks in a row.
I have a workable solution that will benefit both our entitlement society and our re-elected government.
Our satellite surveillance technology has advanced to the point where it should be a simple matter to monitor the highways of America, even Sugar Run Road in Millerstown and Old Ferry Road in Newport. With a little tweaking, it should be little problem for cameras to show which cars have plastic and paper products flying from their open windows.
A local committee of three folks, a man and a woman as jury, and an implant technician, may easily wring justice by convicting and inserting a microchip that will render the culprit unable to purchase restaurant, fast food or other disposable supplies for five years.
A second sentence, of course, will expire only upon death of the offending polluter.
Michelle Obama and her community organized lock-steppers will be delighted, as the reprobate will then qualify for government sustenance with nutritious meals delivered daily to his door or his place of business 1,825 consecutive times.
The benefits are unlimited. A McDonald's-free diet and no resultant trash. Everyone benefits.
Now, what to do with the flyers folks stick in our front door?